17 replies to this topic

[DUNKLBJ]

• Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
• It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
• These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
• If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
• The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
• I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
• After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

[DUNKLBJ]

 

 

"The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."

[DUNKLBJ]

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

[DUNKLBJ]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
 

[DUNKLBJ]

One day a Blonde was Walking down the street when the club pro saw her out of the glimpse of his eye and yelled, "Do you want to play?"

She replied, "No. I don't know how to I don't even know how to hold the caddy."

[Mav78]

Haha. U should try reading Chicken soup for the golfers soul. Some great stories in there, real heart warming.

[Dazmaniac]

The club champion is out practising one morning and two members are watching him play a few holes. They are a little confused at his practice method of playing a shot, then kicking the ball a few yards and then playing the next shot, then kick it a few yards again and then play the next shot. This routine continues until one of the members shouts him over and asks why he is practising in this way.

 

I'm playing in the mixed foursomes tomorrow, so I'm readying myself he replied and went on his way to practice some more.

 

[DUNKLBJ]

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal repied. "But ..." he said, deep in thought, "what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

[DUNKLBJ]

Arnold Plamer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"

Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[DUNKLBJ]

Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[Tigers Agent]

[DUNKLBJ]

Golf Defined

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. 
• "I wish I could play my normal game....just once."
• Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls. 
• If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
• Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot. 
• The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again." 
• A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well. 
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. 
• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
• I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. 
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to reconsider this game.
• Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it. 
• Golf is the only sport where your most feared opponent is you. 
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work....and both are expensive. 
• The best wood in most golfer's bags is the pencil. 
• To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. 
• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...they shoot a "six", yell "fore" and write "five". 
• Swing easy. Hit hard.
• Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand? 
• Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

[Razor]

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

[DUNKLBJ]

Top Ten New Additions to the Rules of Golf

• It’s OK to test the green’s surface before putting. Fondle it, nuzzle it, have a relationship with it...we don’t care.
• If Tiger Woods is leading the tournament after 3 days, you must put down your clubs and leave quietly. 
• If you accidentally nudge your ball off the tee, Trembling Tommy, it counts. Better snort some Valium
• The yuppie in the designer togs and expensive graphite clubs shall incur no penalty, but shall spend the after life in polyester from Target and drive a used Pinto.
• If you bore everyone with a shot-by-shot account of your round, you will be hanged at the 19th hole with a sock in your mouth.
• Stadler-Lewinsky Rule: wearing kneepads shall not be considered building a stance. 
• Alzheimer’s Rule: if you cannot find your ball within 5 minutes, check the ballwasher. 
• You may not make any stroke with the aid of artificial devices, except for voluptuous implants.
• A ball that breaks into pieces counts as one stroke. Next time, play a ball that isn’t so cheap, Mr. K-Mart close-out special. 
• Dung in a bunker is a natural object and may not be moved, unless it’s your own